He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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