if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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