my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
