I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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