Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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