the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
