If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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