i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
