He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
