i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
