i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
