she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
