I faked an abortion last night.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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