You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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