i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All the doctor said was why
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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