Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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