I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
