I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
