So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
