i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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