He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
