Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
