Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
