I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
