wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
