Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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