I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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