When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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