You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
