My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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