I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize