I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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