he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
