Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
