Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
