I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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