Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
birth control should be required to get into college
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Where are you guys?
Drunk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
