On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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