nut hugger
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
