take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
