Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
