How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
