I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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