Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
