it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
