So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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