omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Pooping to opera.
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