Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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