She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize