this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Banned from zoo.
Again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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