the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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