I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
