last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
