hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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