So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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