Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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