I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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